Why?

It's not going to go how you think it is. If history has taught us anything it is that. It is going to turn out the same way as all of the others, somewhere between what should and should not be. This is a pattern. This is a cycle. This is a ..... disease? Pathology? Habit. Addiction. Mild psychosis. It's the same as when you were 16. Except you didn't have facial hair then.
And you had an excuse. You didn't know any better. No such luck now.