Do you hear what I hear? Does it sounds like ass to you too?

I hate Christmas music.

I love Christmas. But I hate Christmas music.

And here's why.

1. It's everywhere. Not much new to say here. Everyone knows it. They pump it into your soul in the hopes that it will inspire you to think of people you never talk to during the year and feel guilty about not getting them anything. So you go to Bath & Body Works, sneeze for twenty minutes, and get them a "Smells of the Season" bath basket. You bring it home and it makes everything smell like Rudolph took a dump in the corner. And then you forget who you bought it for and throw it in the closet, where it stays till next year. All because fucking Rod Stewart told you to. Not overtly, of course, but with gravelly suliminality.


2. They never get anyone good to sing Christmas songs. It's always Rod Stewart, Mariah Carey or some other drivelly has-been. Aimee Mann came out with a Christmas album earlier this year, and it even had "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch" on it. I was freakin' stoked. But it was uninspired and boring. Now I can listen to Aimee Mann read the phone book and be enthralled normally, but I just couldn't handle it. The one exception to this that I know people will bring up is Sufjan Stevens. I've listened to the albums, and they are nowhere near as good as his non-Christmas albums. I guess that's my biggest beef: why should we subject ourselves to subpar music in the hopes that the mood of the season will strike us? Figure out what gets you in the Christmas mood and listen to that.


3. There are very few new Christmas songs written. It's the same old songs trotted out each year. Wham's "Last Christmas." Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas." That's not to say that sometimes the same old songs can't be done distinctively and well. One of the few that gets me in the mood is Springsteen (big suprise) doing "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." Because no one else could've done that song in that way. Rebecca tells me that a lot of Christian artists do write their own Christmas music. I would go out of my way to shop in a place that played new and different Christmas music.


4. My dad and mom. They find one Christmas song a year and just play the shit out of it. Run it into the ground. It's enough to make anyone a musical Scrooge.

So after all that, I open it up to you, dear readers. What are your favorite Christmas songs, or ones that you can't stand? For myself, I personally have a soft spot of Mannheim Steamroller's original Christmas album, particularly "Bring a Torch, Jeannette, Isabella." Oh, and Bob Seeger's version of "Little Drummer Boy." Okay, so maybe I don't hate all of it....